Welcome to KYLE's STORY

Kyle was a military kid.

He went to three different middle schools and transferred high schools in the middle of his senior year...

Was This the Reason Why??

We moved to Virginia from Wisconsin the day after his high school graduation....

Was This the Cause of It??

He received his driver's license in July, passing his test on the first try. I remember he was so proud and happy that day, immediately texting his Grandpa with this news.

A few weeks after, he had his first fender bender...

Could this have played a role?

Maybe there was a problem at school that we didn't know about.

Maybe it was his difficulty  communicating, or maybe his ADHD?

The truth is we will never know why it happened. We just know that it did, and we will always live with the aftermath of it.

It happened the day after his youngest brother's 7th birthday. My parents, Kyle's grandparents, were visiting from Illinois that weekend to celebrate with us.

The weekend was full of fun activities, and I still see the joy on his face as we spent time together as a family celebrating Jacob's birthday.

So why??... I have asked this question to myself a million times since...

It happened on a Tuesday, on the campus of the community college he attended, requiring his death to be fully investigated and an autopsy of his body.

All of his devices, including his computer and phone, were confiscated for forensics.

Was it really a suicide? Could it have been something else?

Our van and his backpack were also fully searched. Security cameras were investigated to find some other cause.

A suicide determination is made only after all other possibilities for the cause of death have been investigated and ruled out.

He never went to the hospital. He was transported to the medical examiner instead.

All that was left was his body; and me craving to hold him, kiss him, and bring him back to life.

Instead, I was forced to tell him goodbye.

Children bury their parents, not the other way around.

I failed as a mother; I couldn't keep him safe. I failed to prevent it, even with my formal training.

This was not our first experience with suicide attempts.

I have been plagued by suicidal thoughts since I was 8 years old. When I am under extreme stress, it is often the first place my brain goes.

Because of my lived experience, both my husband and my father had experience helping me through those moments. Suicide was not something that was unfamiliar to our family.

We had lived experience. We had formal training. We had knowledge. And yet, we still couldn't see what was happening with Kyle.

My head goes through every motion and utterance that he made. I wondered if I had missed any signs indicating something was wrong.

But I am not alone. His grandfather and dad were with him that weekend too.

They had the same formal training as me to prevent suicide. If any indicators were present of what he was about to do, none of us could see them or prevent this tragedy.

Leaving me to question if the fault was really mine...

All of us missed the indicators, if they were even there at the time.

The three of us, trained to prevent suicide, were all with him in the immediate days prior. 

Not one of us could stop the horrific tragedy.

Understanding this failure was the burning question in my heart, because he lived and then died from suicide. 

Life felt divided at first, and there are days it still does.

The time before his death and the life thereafter.

All I knew was that I loved my son; a love that should be unconditional.

His life now included his death, however hard that was to accept.

Unconditional Love is Accepting a Child and EVERYTHING about them; including all the stuff about them that we just don't like.

Without accepting his death, I couldn't fully accept his life.

A life so beautiful that it couldn't be denied.

So, I learned to accept his death; and through Team KYvO;

Mother and son continue to bless each other; and work together to hopefully be a Greater Blessing for Others.